


StarkNaked

by emma98



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Humor and Fluff, Meet-Cutes, bad language, inappropriate dating website behavior, meddling Black Widow, practical jokes gone awry, sam wilson and bucky barnes: bronemies, super hero dating app
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 21:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12241098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma98/pseuds/emma98
Summary: StarkNaked is the superhero friendly dating app with a ridiculously high percentage of success for matched couples.  And somehow, it has been downloaded onto Darcy's phone with an existing profile for her and matches coming in fast and furious.Steve has been on a diplomatic, realm crossing mission for five months, and when he comes home, his phone has the same app, and a match has already been made.And it just happens to be Darcy Lewis, the lady that all of his Asgardian friends have been talking about so much.





	StarkNaked

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise Sunday ficlet! This is tumblr post inspired. And inspired by Captain Marvel's comic book where the dating website 'Cloak and Dater' actually exists, and Steve has a profile on it in comic canon. AMAZING.
> 
> thestarfishdancer from tumblr came up with the title of StarkNaked and she's given me generous permission to use it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

**StarkNaked**

* * *

 

“STARK!  Stop downloading apps on my phone!”

 

The sound of Darcy Lewis shrieking in the labs wasn’t anything new at the Avenger’s facility.  She did it quite often.  But usually it was more along the lines of _‘Jane Catherine Foster, you put that wrench DOWN_ !’ or _‘Tony I will use one of Nat’s widow’s bites to knock you out so you sleep!’_ or even _“Helen Freaking Cho, you CANNOT test out your new portable cradle by trying to grow me a third nipple_!’  

 

Darcy’s shrieks were usually very, _very_ warranted.  But her cadre of not-quite-evil scientists were actually behaving for once.  Jane hadn’t ripped a hole through time and space (Ian the not-quite-an-intern anymore had been drastically changed after his time spent in the early 50’s with his beloved Rose Roberts).  Tony had been sleeping regularly thanks to Friday accepting Darcy’s programming more readily than JARVIS.  And Helen didn’t have to canvass unwilling civilians anymore as willing test subjects since the whole Avengers gang was back together, now there was plenty of wounds to heal up with her newest gadgets.  

 

So for Darcy to break out her ‘ _You’re killing me with science!’_ shriek on a normally calm Wednesday was unusual.  It was unusual enough to get the nearest superhero running into the room.

 

“Is everyone alright?  Is it Stark again?”

 

“Fuck off Wilson!” Tony huffed out in annoyance.  “I only shot you the once in the height of battle.”

 

“Yeah, sure, and my eyebrows just magically went away five months ago, right?” Sam huffed out.  He looked around and then looked to Darcy, who was glaring at her phone.  “What’s your problem, Bitty?  Did Itty send another intern back into the past for true love?”

 

Darcy looked up and narrowed her eyes at Sam.  He had been introduced, _sans eyebrows_ to Darcy and Jane five months ago by Thor, and had immediately nicknamed them _Itty and Bitty_.  Granted, at the time, they had been standing on either side of Thor, so the ladies who topped out at just barely five foot three had looked incredibly tiny, but still, he could have given them a cool nickname.  There were plenty of cool nicknames regarding height and stature.   Anything---

 

“Mighty Mouse, you alright, kid?  I heard the dulcet tones of your harpying?”

 

Darcy rolled her eyes as Bucky came barrelling into the lab.  He nudged Sam out of the way with one left bionic shoulder and Sam went stumbling into a table full of metal parts.  Sam righted himself and looked ready to rumble, so Darcy cleared her throat and held up her phone.

 

“Stark put this on my phone.”

 

The men shuffled forward with minimal jockeying for position, and even Tony crawled out from underneath the chassis of the machine he had been graciously working on for Jane (without her permission and without her on the same planet (honestly, the man didn’t want to risk being sent back in time and space either)).  

 

Darcy’s phone was illuminated with the baby blues and light pinks of a very aesthetically pleasing website, the title in cute bubble letters displaying _StarkNaked_.  It had her picture under it with her name, and the smaller text box underneath that containing a short biography of the personnel and logistics manager of Stark Industries Research and Development department.  

 

“You look pretty, Mighty Mouse,” Bucky shrugged.  He squinted at the words and shrugged.  “I didn’t know you played the violin.”

 

“Not since I was seventeen,” Darcy scoffed.  

 

“It’s a cute little bit about you.  And the picture doesn’t show off the considerably awesome Bitty bits,” Sam nodded in agreement.

 

“ _Is that why you call me_ **_Bitty_ **?” Darcy’s hissed out, her phone and the dating app on her phone immediately forgotten.  She waved her phone around her chest and demanded, “Is it because of my bits?”

 

Bucky grinned in delight and turned to face Sam, waiting eagerly for him to try and jaw his way out of that one.  Sam’s mouth went completely open and a high pitched noise began easing out of him.  Tony stood on the other side of Sam, his expression almost as delighted as Bucky’s.  One of the things that had built the bridge of calm acceptance between Bucky and Tony (aside from alien invasions), had been their mutual love of making Sam Wilson squirm.  

 

“Unclench, idiot man,” Darcy sighed, she then reached out a very quick hand and grabbed Tony by his ear, dragging him closer.  “What is this _StarkNaked_ nonsense on my phone?”

 

“Oww, ow, _ow_ ,” Tony whined.  “I didn’t do it!  I mean, sure, I designed the algorithm and had Pepper’s people file the patent and put my name on it.  And I take the credit for the countless happy hookups it’s created. But I didn’t put it on your phone!”

 

“Seems like a spider problem, Bi---Darcy,” Sam corrected himself.  He pointed at Bucky, “Since he is a great lover of spiders, _he_ probably knows what’s going on.”

 

“Ahhhhh, well, uhm,” Bucky shrugged and now Sam and Tony were looking at his apparent misfortune with some delight.  “Mighty Mouse, you know that Natalia is---well---”

 

Sam and Tony’s respective grins got even bigger and their eyes gleamed with excitement as Bucky hesitated, clearly knowing what Natasha had done.  And now he was going to have face his precious _Mighty Mouse’s_ wrath.  Bucky adored Darcy, had adored her the minute that Natasha had introduced them when she had shown up after the big battle.  And in the absence of Steve, he had latched on to the girl.  She was the little sister he had lost.

 

“You know, Mouse, that what we and Natalia went through together, our hearts never got right again,” Bucky said softly.  “She probably just doesn’t want your heart to be--- _sad_?”

 

Sam and Tony groaned loudly and turned away in disappointment.  Bucky and Natasha’s tragic backstory and unlikely reunion always played on Darcy’s sensibilities.  The Russian (both born and forced) duo didn’t often take advantage of it, but clearly this was a desperate time.  

 

Darcy’s phone made a chirping sound and she looked down at in horror.  She held it up for the trio of superheroes to see and sure enough there was a notification of a message from _FlamingHotStud6969_ and it was a picture of a flaming penis.

 

“I’ll kill him,” Bucky’s voice was low and gravelly and a little too accented to be just pure Bucky at that point and he took a step back.  Sam grabbed him with unforeseen bravery.

 

“Steve is getting back today, remember?” Sam reminded him.  “But later, when little Steve is tucked in, I’ll go help you kill Johnny Storm.”

 

Bucky nodded.  Steve was coming back today.  He’d been gone from the base for nearly five months now, since Jane and Darcy had arrived.  The timing hadn’t been the best, as Bucky had not been thawed out for very long, but urgent diplomatic matters in space with Thor, meant that the leader of the Avengers had to be there.  But he was coming home today.  And Bucky didn’t really want blood on his hands.

 

“No murder necessary,” Darcy promised, texting back on her phone rapidly, her eyes squinted with the kind of anger that was usually borne from Natasha making her do cardio early in the morning.  “I know how to handle a dick pic.”

 

“Whaddya mean you know how to handle a dick pic?” Bucky asked, all protective big brother bear in a moment.

 

“It’s the reason I stopped using dating websites.   Too many messages about my awesome rack followed by pictures of many, many unimpressive dicks,” Darcy huffed out an exasperated sigh.  “I’ll just delete the stupid app.”

 

She tried, and tried.  And tried again, but the frustration showing on her face was making it clear that it wouldn’t be possible.  She looked up to glare at Bucky again, and like trained monkeys, both Tony and Sam turned to the man with expectant, deviant grins.

 

“Why isn’t it deleting, Bucky?” Darcy’s voice was a quiet thing, but it still held the same sort of terrifying power that her shrieks usually did.  

 

“Aw, Mighty Mouse, don’t be sore at me, it wasn’t my idea,” Bucky promised.  “Natalia just thinks that you’re lonely and you don’t deserve to be lonely.  The next guy who sends you a picture of his completely inadequate man parts is gonna be meeting my shiny vibranium fist, I promise.”

 

“No need to break out the murder fist, it’s an exclusive group of people on that app, all non-disclosure agreement approved and in the superhero realm,” Tony said calmly.  “And my algorithm is perfect.  Anyone who gets matched up to you has a 96 percent chance of satisfying you.”

 

“Johnny Storm could satisfy my need for _penicillin_ ,” Darcy hissed through gritted teeth.

 

“He’s not so bad,” Tony shrugged.  “Some might say his womanizing ways just need the right touch to tame.  I mean, look at me, I didn’t turn out so bad.”

 

“No,” Bucky said resolutely, and for once, Sam was in agreement with him, nodding eagerly.

 

Darcy’s phone chirped again.  And again.  And again.  Apparently, she was very popular on the dating app, which was unsurprising.  The girl was a catch.  And Natasha never did things halfway, so her profile was very _very_ attractive.

 

“I’m gonna handle this myself,” Darcy growled out before stomping from the room with her phone clenched in her fist.  

 

“You think you should warn your lady friend?” Tony prompted.

 

Bucky looked thoughtful at that, but if he had learned anything about Darcy in the last five months, it was this: she is terrifying when she wants to be.  Some might even say as terrifying as his Natalia, if in very different ways and skill sets.

 

“Nah, I’m gonna go and wait for Stevie at the portal site.  I think the ladies can duke this one out on their own.”

 

* * *

 

Steve Rogers could honestly say he had never missed home more than he had in that moment.  The feeling of stepping out of the portal and the first breath of fresh, crisp, Midgardian air was a balm to his heart, which had been sore and bruised and missing the family he had created since coming out of the ice.  It was pretty bad timing, having to leave Midgard on a diplomatic mission with Thor, Peter Quill and Gamora after the battle with Thanos.  

 

He had trusted Bucky’s care to Natasha, and he knew he couldn’t have left her in better hands.  Natasha had a way with handling other people, and the tentative truce between Tony and Bucky would run smoothly or those that were responsible for it not running smoothly would pay very, very dearly.  

 

The diplomatic mission was a series of visits to exotic and unusual planets, creating a vast, inter-galactic alliance so that if something like Thanos ever happened again, they would be ready to put a stop to the entire situation.  His travel companions, namely one Doctor Jane Foster, had enjoyed the trip immensely.  She’d been especially gleeful about collecting souvenirs which were mostly unremarkable kitchen tools from every planet.  Thor had made a point to allow access to kitchens or stores at every stop.

 

Steve had remarked one night over a cup of something exotic and incredibly intoxicating that it was a strange quirk, but a lovely gesture the Asgardian prince made to his intended.

 

“No, Steven, the trinkets are not for my dear Jane.  She much prefers books or educational toys,” Thor chuckled.  “The gifts are for our clever lightning sister.”

 

“You have a sister?” Steve startled at that.  He had only known about Loki.  If Thor also had a sister, it might also be a disaster.  “She a traitorous ne’er do well?”

 

Thor laughed again and explained Darcy Lewis to Steve.  He even brought out a cellphone that had absolutely zero reception on the alien planet they were on, but they contained pictures and videos of Thor and the short, curvaceous brunette.  Every picture had a story, and Thor wasn’t the only one telling the stories. Jane and Sif, along with the Warriors Three would put their two cents in.  Maria Hill had taken the journey too, and even she had more than one tale to tell about Darcy Lewis.

 

From what Steve could gather, she was incredibly smart and had a wickedly dry sense of humor.  She’d gone from a college student whining about a stolen ipod to a college student who helped to save the world and whined about a stolen ipod while taking delicious revenge on any and all SHIELD personnel.  Steve knew she was at the base with Bucky and the rest of the Avengers, he’d gotten one letter from Bucky when they’d stopped mid trip in Asgard, and his best friend had dedicated a paragraph to his adventures with _Mighty Mouse_.  

 

Steve was more than happy to have fresh Midgardian air in his lungs again, and solid Midgardian ground under his feet.  He was looking forward to carving out a new life with his old friend and his new friends.  And although he had never said anything out loud, he was looking forward to meeting _Mighty Mouse_...the famed Lightning Sister...the tiny civilian shit-stirrer that was Darcy Lewis.

 

“JANIE!” a loud happy shriek echoed in his ears, and the tiny astrophysicist that had accompanied him through the portal was tackled to the ground by another tiny brunette.  

 

Darcy Lewis, in the flesh.

 

“Hey Punk, looking---strange?” Bucky offered Steve as he stepped forward with Natasha.  

 

“We had a farewell feast, we had to dress the part,” Steve shrugged, looking down at his gleaming armor.  In certain lights the silver metallic material looked as blue as the sky on a Spring Day.

 

“Holy shit, he’s wearing leather pants,” Sam laughed.

 

“Save it, Wilson,” Steve gave him a well put upon smirk, a very familiar expression when dealing with Sam.  “They’re comfortable.”

 

“Well, hopefully they’ll be comfortable enough for the Welcome back picnic that Bitty is throwing,” Sam’s doubtful smile was playfully insolent.

 

“Mouse made everyone’s favorites,” Bucky promised him.  “C’mon, let’s go and get a good seat.”

 

‘ _Mouse_ ’ did make a lot for the welcome back picnic that was set up on the front lawn of the Avenger’s facility.  There were three tables, one filled with snacks, another filled with large amounts of savory potluck dishes, and another one filled with a vast menagerie of desserts.  There were quite a few of his favorites, but what was most disconcerting had to be the high volume of apple pies.

 

“She didn’t know what type you preferred,” Natasha said calmly.  “Apparently there are at least a dozen different kinds of apples that can be used for apple pie.”

 

“Didn’t you try to tell her my favorite pie is cherry?” Steve questioned Bucky.

 

“Stark got there first,” Bucky sighed.  “Had my poor little Mighty Mouse convinced that Steve Rogers worshipped apple pie.  Doesn’t matter, they still taste mighty fine, cherry or not.”

 

“You are _not_ to hurt her feelings.  Your new favorite pie is apple pie,” Natasha advised him sounding not unlike she did when she ordered around a bunch of new cadets.

 

“So---how have things been?” Steve questioned of his friends, holding up his hands to indicate his agreement to Natasha’s terms.  

“Boring,” Sam admitted.  “Now that you’re back, I’m sure capital-T Trouble isn’t far behind.  Oh, before I forget, your phone.  Programmed to let you know of any impending crisis that you get us all into.”

 

“C’mon, man, I’m not  the one who brings the trouble,” Steve tried to defend himself.

 

Bucky and Sam shared one of their rare commiserating looks together and as if to prove their misery was justified, Steve’s phone began to chirp in his hand.  He looked at it and furrowed his brow before looking back up at Natasha with clear suspicion.  

 

“I have a match?” he asked warily.  “I thought you were off trying to match me up after the disaster with Sharon?”

 

“What makes you think I did it?” Natasha questioned with cool detachment.  “The app is called _StarkNaked_.  Maybe you should point fingers at the people with the questionable facial hair.”

 

“Bucky!  Sam!  Come over here and help me set this meat on fire!” Darcy Lewis called out from by the massive grills that were set up fifty feet away.  

 

The shared look between Steve’s best friends was quickly abandoned and they immediately began sprinting for the grills, with Sam reaching for a can of soda off of the snack table and chucking it at Bucky’s head as he accessed super soldier speed and began pulling away.  The can hit him squarely in the head and he slowed down to turn and glare at Sam.  

 

“NO FOOD FIGHTS!” Pepper shouted from the other side of the party.  She looked around for Clint and pointed at him menacingly.  “ _No food fights_!”

 

Steve chuckled at his best friends antics as they swamped the small brunette that was holding up some seriously delicious looking steaks.  He looked back at Natasha, who was wearing her usual calm, calculating expression.  He matched it with a completely blank face of his own, neither one of them budging until Steve’s phone chirped in his hand again.

 

“Might want to check on that match, it might work out well for you,” Natasha said calmly before meandering off to speak with Thor and Jane.  

 

Steve unlocked his phone and the app booted up, showing the inbox with the one match it had made for him.  He was torn on whether to look at the match first or to see what kind of hook that Natasha had set up to catch unwitting females.  The curiosity about the match won out, fueled by the fact that inherently, Steve trusted Natasha completely, and knew that she wouldn’t have made him out to be something he wasn’t.  She always did have his best interests at heart, even if her best interests were very nearly identical to a matchmaking busybody.

 

The profile that pulled up showed a beautifully selected photo of one very beautiful Ms. Darcy Lewis, aka _Bitty_ , aka _Mighty Mouse_ , aka _Lightning Sister_.   It was a candid picture taken of her in the common room of the Avenger’s facility.  Steve could recognize the little reading nook she was seated in, he’d spent many an afternoon there himself.  Her head was tilted down, as if she were reading, and a gap toothed grin was on display as she clearly was amused with whatever she was looking at.

 

Her little profile biography was concise and straight to the point, yet another indicator that Natasha had had a hand in it.   _BittyMouse_ , was a twenty-seven year old who excelled at amateur culinary arts and finding humor in all aspects of life.  She liked to listen to all kinds of music and she enjoyed travelling with friends.  And she was looking for someone to find the humor with in all aspects of her life.  

 

Steve felt a peculiar thudding in his chest at the thought of it.  The idea of having a special someone who was smart, and funny, kind and loyal, all of the things the various anecdotes he had heard about her, sounded wonderful.  He took a bolstering breath before finding the button on the bottom of her profile that would allow him to message her.

 

He typed in _Hello_ and closed his eyes as he hit send.

 

* * *

 

Darcy’s phone chirped as she watched Bucky grilling steaks while Sam manned the grill full of perfectly done up corn on the cob.  Sam rolled his eyes and Bucky took one quick second to glance in Natasha’s direction, a pleased smile pulling at his lips.  For her part, Darcy tried not to look at her phone for a full thirty seconds before she fished it out of her back pocket.

 

 _New message from CapSGR1918_.

 

“Your girlfriend works quick,” Sam muttered to Bucky.

 

“Not in all things,” Bucky said slyly.  

 

Darcy made a shocked gasp as she read her message and promptly dropped her phone right on the grill that Bucky was cooking on.  He reached out with a speedy left hand and plucked it off of the grill, turning it to look at the screen.

 

“ _Hey hot stuff.  Captain fucking America here_ ,” Bucky read out loud.  He paused and looked up at Steve, who was staring down at his feet, a small, blushing smile, his phone in his hand.

 

Sam’s eyes went wide with panic and he went towards Bucky, trying to get the phone, but Bucky was having none of it, evading his grasp and continuing to read.  “ _I’m gonna rock your world and make you see stars AND stripes.  When you take a ride on the star spangled freight train, you’re gonna be saying---ohhh oh baby yeah, oh god yes, spangle  my stars---fuck yeah_.”

 

“You have GOT to be kidding me, I’ve never even SPOKEN to him!” Darcy fumed, her fists were on her hips and her face was turning red.  She began to stomp off in Steve’s direction and Sam was suddenly torn between grabbing Bucky’s phone and stopping Darcy.

 

“ _I’m gonna show you my freedom stick and make it so---_ ” Bucky’s face was red with anger and he threw the phone back on the grill.  “ROGERS!”

 

“Oh shit,” Sam huffed out.  “It’s not what you think, Barnes, calm the hell down.”

 

But that wasn’t enough for Bucky to stop, he faked out Sam and evaded his grasp, storming past Darcy, straight for Steve and tackled him to the ground.

 

“What in the hell have they done to you since they thawed you out, you no good jackass!” Bucky growled as Steve only put up enough fight to defend himself, bringing his hands up in front of his terrified face.  “The Steve I knew woulda rather died than disrespect a classy dame like Mighty Mouse!”

 

“Jesus, Buck, what’d I do, I just said hello!” Steve defended himself.

 

“You typed that you wanted to bend her over your freedom motorcycle!” Bucky accused.

  
“ _WHAT?!?_ ” Steve shouted in horror.

 

“Uhm---I might know something about that,” Sam interrupted.  “If you two want to stop rolling around on the grass.  But if you want to continue, please, go ahead.”

 

He got their attention though, along with Darcy and Natasha and a bunch of other interested parties.  He looked a little sheepish but it didn’t last long.

 

“Look man, you were texting my mom about my---shenanigans with Misty, and you basically gave her all the info about Misty, and that pissed me off, cause now they’re friends and that ain’t cool man, you can’t just take a man’s hookup and basically introduce her to my mom.  So---I replaced a bunch of words with autocorrect on your phone and forgot about it.”

 

“You did WHAT?” Steve ground out.

 

“Just a couple of words,” Sam was unrepentant.  “My mom set me and Misty up for a registry at Bed Bath and Beyond.  You deserved the auto correct, but then you were gone for five months and I forgot.”

 

Sam turned to Darcy then and gave her an apologetic smile.  “He’s not a pervert, Bitty.  He only typed _Hello,_ I swear.”

 

“Oh,” Darcy said softly before turning to Steve.  Her smile was small and tentative.  “Hello, back.”

 

“I’d try to message you with, a _My name is Steve_ ,” Steve admitted as Bucky helped him to his feet and began dusting him off.  “But I think my phone would probably have a mind of its own.”

 

“It’d give out your bank card number, expiration date and security code,” Sam rattled off.

 

“Nice,” Tony snorted from the sidelines.

 

“Well, I’d text you back with something inappropriate, but I’m pretty sure my phone is melted,” Darcy took a tentative step towards Steve as he did the same.  Bucky, fully recovered from his over-protective fit, was beaming between then two of them.  Darcy threw Steve a subtle wink before asking, “So since we don’t have a silly dating app to navigate, how about we head up to my room and you can show me the star spangled freight train?  I’ve been on my feet all day and could use a ride.”

 

“Sure,” Steve said quickly, holding out his arm.

 

Bucky spluttered between them as they began walking away and he was about to make another precise tackle, when Steve led a playful Darcy to the dessert table, where they took a seat and began picking at the various sweet treats there.  If Bucky wasn’t mistaken, Steve was nervously explaining that while he did love apple pie, cherry was actually his favorite.  

 

“Did you expect that to happen?” Bucky wondered of Natasha, who had found her way back to his side once more.

 

“Not exactly, but everything seems to have ended with the results I was aiming for,” Natasha admitted.  She looked around at the welcome back party and pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Now...who is next?”

 

“I heard that Happy Hogun is still single….”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! See you tomorrow!!


End file.
